For as long I can remember I have always wanted to be loved and accepted by the relationships around me, yet as a child I struggled to feel that most days.

I often felt alone and unseen by my family. This created big emotions and feelings that I was punished for or made fun of when I expressed them to feel seen and get my needs met. When I learned that this didn't work I began to act out with rage, destruction, and disobedience. This made my parents check out even more. At ages 8 - 16 I endured intense bullying and sexual molestation that left me feeling shame, guilt and fear. Thats when I began to develop strategies to adapt and protect myself such as shutting down, shutting out, self harming, stealing, lying, co-dependancy in friendships and internalizing my pain which led to years of anxiety and depression.

As I grew older I learned the high of romantic relationships, where I felt more seen and loved than I had ever known. My co-dependency LOVED this.

The first year always felt like the easiest most magical time of my life. Unfortunately it never seemed to last and the unhealthy strategies of co-dependency, unresolved fighting, punishment, avoidance and abuse would create insecurities and begin to tear us apart. Then I would fall into blame, shame and victimhood. It was always their fault.

I couldn’t seem to hold a relationship for more than 3 years. I kept choosing partners in pain that I saw potential in. 

Little did I know, I too, was stuck in pain.

The break ups were so unbearable, the rejection reminding me of the pain I endured as a child, affecting my self worth so deeply I often wanted to end my life. Instead, I did the next best thing, I found things to check out from the pain. Drugs, alcohol, sugar, screens, porn, sex, and more relationships. I began spiralling in and out of depression with each heartbreak.

 Then I had my son. An unhealed woman who has an unplanned child is simply a recipe for trauma, dysfunction and ‘tuning out’.

It wasn’t until my last challenging relationship that everything changed.

I found myself in the most physical pain I had ever experienced. My lower back was so excruciating that doing household chores felt impossible let alone getting out of bed.

Little did I know this debilitating pain was being created by the emotional pain I was consciously and subconsciously holding in my body. I was experiencing physical disease from the dis-ease in my life.

The honeymoon stage in my relationship was fizzling out after almost two years. And so it began, another cycle, another unhealthy relationship, where I was unknowingly trying to get my needs met that were unmet as a child, using the same strategies I learned as a child.

I would do almost anything to try to get the connection I so desperately longed for.

I would over give, over function, drop boundaries, walk on eggshells, use substance to connect, avoid, shut down, blame, shame, defend, and worst of all neglect and emotionally abuse my child.

I had no idea what was even happening, all I cared about was doing whatever I could to make the relationship work.

There was just one thing that was making that very difficult, I had no idea how to  actually make a relationship work, I only knew from what I had been shown by my parents which really didn’t give me the skills needed to show up the way a healthy relationship requires…I was trapped in strategies.

I found myself lost, alone, living in fear and in pain…A LOT of pain, so much so that once again I considered taking my life.

And then it hit me “Here I am again, why is this happening TO ME? How do I stop repeating this cycle!?”

As I resourced for answers, I found to my surprise that there was a massive gap in relational intelligence and a deep need for awareness and guidance on how to have healthy relationships.

In this profound learning I found my calling to start doing ‘the work’ so that I could heal and rewire. This journey of healing and transformation was not easy and it felt as though it got much harder before it became easier. As a single mother holding space for this felt defeating. I almost gave up. It wasn’t until I was at my darkest moment which was lead by one of my healers, it was the closest I had ever been to finally taking my life. Just then I had a deep awakening. The pain was where the light was trying to enter me! I was finally learning how to deeply process my difficult dark emotions and MOVE them so I could make room for the light and healing. After all Emotion Stands for “Energy-in-motion”. This incredible new awareness and growth then guided me to heal my physical body and become the wonderful ‘tuned in’ mother I am today, as well as attract the healthy relationship of my dreams, and begin my fulfilling career as a healer and relationship coach.

I learned how to stop numbing out, let go of addictions, get out of strategies, become my authentic self, communicate, feel feelings, set boundaries and process emotions in a whole new way. Most importantly I learned that it was all happening FOR ME, not TO me.

I began to rise from victim to author and slowly went from lost to found as I found my purpose to help empower others to Rise in Love too.

Join me at Rise in Love as we embark on this empowering journey together.